Final Fantasy: Spirits Within
Add comment October 23rd, 2007 Posted by: Ash
Posts filed under 'Ash'
Seminars for Men…
COURSE 001 Combating Stupidity
COURSE 002 You Too Can Do Housework
COURSE 003 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
COURSE 004 How To Fill An Ice Tray
COURSE 005 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
COURSE 006 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don’t Wash My Silks)
COURSE 007 Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM
COURSE 008 Parenting: It Doesn’t End With Conception
COURSE 009 Get A Life: Learn To Cook
COURSE 010 How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong
COURSE 011 Understanding Your Incompetence
COURSE 012 YOU: The Weaker Sex
COURSE 013 Reasons To Give Flowers
COURSE 014 How To Stay Awake After Sex
COURSE 015 SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
COURSE 016 SEX 102: Morning Dilemma - If IT’s Awake, Take A Shower
COURSE 017 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
COURSE 018 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
COURSE 019 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
COURSE 020 You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
COURSE 021 Honest - You Don’t Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked
COURSE 022 The Obtainable Goal: Omitting $@? From Your Vocabulary
COURSE 023 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
COURSE 024 Patronizing Does Not Work
COURSE 025 Motel 6 Doesn’t Always Keep The Light On
COURSE 026 Real Men Ask For Directions
Add comment October 11th, 2007 Posted by: Ash
Experiment…
An English professor at Illinois asked her students to experiment with a new form of writing called the ‘tandem’ story. The process is simple; each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One person will write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on. The pair MUST adhere to the following rules:
1. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.
2. There is to be absolutely NO talking.
3. Anything you wish to say must be written on the paper.
4. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
The following was actually turned in by two English students: Rebecca and Gary (last names deleted).
THE STORY
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed, asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17″ he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things round her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ‘em out of the sky!”
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels.”
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
(Gary)
Bitch.
(Rebecca)
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
(PROFESSOR)
A+ - I really liked this one.
Add comment September 6th, 2007 Posted by: Ash
Would You Rather…
Have living eyebrows that crawl about your face OR leave a trail of paprika wherever you go?
Have a sinus infection where anytime you sneeze while in the presence of others, they change sex OR have an inability to distinguish between babies and English muffins?
Briefly turn into Dom DeLuise every 45 minutes OR have skin 15 times bigger than it has to be?
Be unaffected by the Higgs field a theoretical superforce that permeates the universe, endowing matter with mass OR fart confetti?
Have sexual organs that glow red like E.T.’s heart when you’re attracted to someone OR have the faint sound of playground chatter perpetually emanating from your crotch?
Be able to avoid doing chores and facing minor relationship problems by hiding under some coats for a little while OR be able to bake chicken pot pie in your pants?
Have the head of Hervé Villechaize (Fantasy Island’s Tattoo) in place of your left hand, and the head of Ricardo Montalban (Fantasy Island’s Mr. Roarke) in place of your right hand OR be unable to go anywhere without an entourage of bickering Vietnamese politicians?
Belch the sound of a gong OR sneeze the sound of a bowling strike?
Have a chest of thick poison oak OR a sausage halo?
Have a life-size tattoo of Andy Griffith on your back OR be permitted to use only one deodorant scent: sour cream and chives?
Fight Mike Tyson OR talk like him?
Appear as Yasir Arafat in the mirror OR have a bizarre neurological condition where anytime you enter a room, Darth Vader’s theme sounds?
Be hole-punched to death OR be eaten alive by the cast of Diff’rent Strokes?
Collect lint at ten thousand times your natural rate (the average American accrues ¼ pound of lint a day.) OR have everything in life relayed out loud by Marv Albert?
Watch a porno movie with your parents OR watch a porno movie starring your parents?
From Justin Heimberg and David Gomberg’s book Would You Rather?? (Plume, 1997).
Add comment January 29th, 2007 Posted by: Ash