Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all…

…AND a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

Via

I found it, and I’m not giving it back…

Sorry, but Harry flew into my house, and was instantly pounced on by 10 of my 12 cats… It’s now dead, and I’m glad, because I hate it when bugs, most especially flies, get into my house. Yuck!

Via

Via

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"Peoples’ Choice Award" is America’s greatest honor. Styrofoam is not made from kittens. The U.F.O. was a paper plate. The nerds on the internet are not geeks. The word "cheese" is not funny in and of itself. The older Flanders boy is Todd, not Rod. Lyndon Johnson did not provide the voice of Yosemite Sam. If you are reading this you have no life. Roy Rogers was not buried inside his horse. The other U.F.O. was an upside down salad spinner. Our universities are not "hotbeds" of anything. Mr. Dershowitz did not literally have four eyes. Our viewers are not pathetic, sexless food tubes. Audrey Hepburn never weighed 400 pounds. The "Cheers" gang is not a real gang. Salt water does not chase the "thirsties" away. Licking an electrical outlet does not turn you into a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger. Cats do not eventually turn into dogs. Bullets do not bounce off of fat boys. Recycling does not deplete the ozone. Everything is 10% fruit juice. The flesh eating virus does not hide in ice cream. Janet Reno is evil. V8 juice is not 1/8 gasoline. Ted Koppel is a robot. Women aren’t from Venus and men aren’t from Mars. Fleiss does floss. Quayle is familiar with common bathroom procedures. Bart is bad to the bone. Godfry Jones’ wife is cheating on him. The Beatles haven’t reunited to enter kick boxing competitions. The "Bug" on your TV screen can see into your home. Everyone on TV is better than you. The people who are writing this have no life.

Via