No Place Like Home
The Life & Times Of The Shaffer Family
Ash
30 Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Man…
Jul 31st
1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it’s cute.
3. Why don’t we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It’s okay, we’ll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no… I just got a flash headache.
11. (Giggling and pointing)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won’t take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
Dear Employees…
Jul 30th
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a fucking bitch.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won’t work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.
Thank You,
The Management
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