- "Peoples’ Choice Award" is America’s greatest honor.
- Styrofoam is not made from kittens.
- The U.F.O. was a paper plate.
- The nerds on the internet are not geeks.
- The word "cheese" is not funny in and of itself.
- The older Flanders boy is Todd, not Rod.
- Lyndon Johnson did not provide the voice of Yosemite Sam.
- If you are reading this you have no life.
- Roy Rogers was not buried inside his horse.
- The other U.F.O. was an upside down salad spinner.
- Our universities are not "hotbeds" of anything.
- Mr. Dershowitz did not literally have four eyes.
- Our viewers are not pathetic, sexless food tubes.
- Audrey Hepburn never weighed 400 pounds.
- The "Cheers" gang is not a real gang.
- Salt water does not chase the "thirsties" away.
- Licking an electrical outlet does not turn you into a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger.
- Cats do not eventually turn into dogs.
- Bullets do not bounce off of fat boys.
- Recycling does not deplete the ozone.
- Everything is 10% fruit juice.
- The flesh eating virus does not hide in ice cream.
- Janet Reno is evil.
- V8 juice is not 1/8 gasoline.
- Ted Koppel is a robot.
- Women aren’t from Venus and men aren’t from Mars.
- Fleiss does floss.
- Quayle is familiar with common bathroom procedures.
- Bart is bad to the bone.
- Godfry Jones’ wife is cheating on him.
- The Beatles haven’t reunited to enter kick boxing competitions.
- The "Bug" on your TV screen can see into your home.
- Everyone on TV is better than you.
- The people who are writing this have no life.
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