Would You Rather…

Have living eyebrows that crawl about your face OR leave a trail of paprika wherever you go?

Have a sinus infection where anytime you sneeze while in the presence of others, they change sex OR have an inability to distinguish between babies and English muffins?

Briefly turn into Dom DeLuise every 45 minutes OR have skin 15 times bigger than it has to be?

Be unaffected by the Higgs field a theoretical superforce that permeates the universe, endowing matter with mass OR fart confetti?

Have sexual organs that glow red like E.T.’s heart when you’re attracted to someone OR have the faint sound of playground chatter perpetually emanating from your crotch?

Be able to avoid doing chores and facing minor relationship problems by hiding under some coats for a little while OR be able to bake chicken pot pie in your pants?

Have the head of Hervé Villechaize (Fantasy Island’s Tattoo) in place of your left hand, and the head of Ricardo Montalban (Fantasy Island’s Mr. Roarke) in place of your right hand OR be unable to go anywhere without an entourage of bickering Vietnamese politicians?

Belch the sound of a gong OR sneeze the sound of a bowling strike?

Have a chest of thick poison oak OR a sausage halo?

Have a life-size tattoo of Andy Griffith on your back OR be permitted to use only one deodorant scent: sour cream and chives?

Fight Mike Tyson OR talk like him?

Appear as Yasir Arafat in the mirror OR have a bizarre neurological condition where anytime you enter a room, Darth Vader’s theme sounds?

Be hole-punched to death OR be eaten alive by the cast of Diff’rent Strokes?

Collect lint at ten thousand times your natural rate (the average American accrues ¼ pound of lint a day.) OR have everything in life relayed out loud by Marv Albert?

Watch a porno movie with your parents OR watch a porno movie starring your parents?

From Justin Heimberg and David Gomberg’s book Would You Rather?? (Plume, 1997).

January 29th, 2007 Posted by: Ash

Entry Filed under: Ash